..i was further north than south (re: “my winding wheel” by ryan adams). admittedly, i still quote ryan adams’ lyrics now, about 17 years after “heartbreaker” came out. what’s the difference, was it a girl then or a girl now? or was it me all along? and was ryan adams really serious about the whole morrissey conversation with david rawlings on the first track of “heartbreaker”?

so then i made a mixtape for her to find out. this stranger i’d somehow known forever with her blue, blue eyes piercing a small part of my lungs, to the point where i could barely breathe when she looked at me.

i mean this in a good way, that way when you’re finally good in yourself and someone sees that and you see it. vulnerable and such. i cooked her pasta for the second meal of the night, both of us naked (again), slipping in and out of our skin. and she leaned over and started whispering to me and we went back to bed, still hungry and in the morning the sky was still bruised, our bodies were still bruised, still wanting.

what was the point of this? i think that i was good for the first time in forever to see someone in my own light, whole, and vice versa. sharing stories. watching her (and watching her watch me) lean against a counter casually after i had been inside her for the first time, after she had listened to me talk about ryan adams and how sobriety could be a good thing for music but we were still drinking wine, after we had stood in the rain with bubbles rising around us.

and then we woke up in the morning and her phoenix hair was sprawled across my chest. and we couldn’t tell the difference between north and south, except for the compass we had created together in the night.

so yes, the mixtape was good and ryan adams would have been stoked about it. maybe he wouldn’t have used the word stoked. but i will. i am stoked because i’m good now and made a hell of a mixtape. and she liked it. and i liked making it for her. but i included “to be young (is to be sad, is to be high)” by ryan adams instead of “my winding wheel” on the mixtape. thank you ryan. i think i got the girl. or the girl got me. or maybe i got myself and she got herself and we got each other. yeah, mixed tapes. they’re great, like me, like her. like us.